Jump off the rat race

My dream goes like this that I am running very hard and am at the same place. I always open my eyes to find my dream is true as I am clocking away miles on the treadmill.  It is the ultimate rat race. If you stop you fall off. 

I tried getting off the rat race. Unfortunately the method I chose went awry. I bought Satyam Shares in 16 tranches. I own so much of it that I got a call from my CA who helps me to do tax returns. He wants to make sure that I have enough money in the bank to cover his fees this time over. A mere bank statement will not suffice now. He wants to go to the bank and physically count the money they have in my account. My title of the book has changed to Intelligent Loser. At least the second part of the title is true.

In order to get out of dire straits, a well wisher advised me to moon light in to advertising. I think it is a great idea, but for my extrapolated thinking. I keep extrapolating ads in to future.

Pappu pass ho goya. He marries, has kid(s) unless he has the condom ringtone on his phones. The ring tone is a great tool which would keep every body around celibate.  Pappu then jumps in joy and distributes chocolates when the telemarketer tells him that he is the chosen one for the new credit card.

Sar utha ke jiyo. The protagonist does exactly that and bumps his head on a low ceiling. He then goes ahead and buys shares in Satyam.

Hungry kya. The hero only eats in Mac and develops plaques in coronary artery. As he is not a VIP, he admits himself in to a normal hospital and utters the magic words " I have insurance". Hospital then does a very fast bypass and gives a bill which bankrupts the insurance company. It also compels the hero to apply for the job which says earn Rs. 50,000 by doing web search.

So folks, if you want anybody to extend an advertisement to a full length hindi movie lasting longer than Jodha Akbar then I can surely take it up.  For extra money I will even walk the red carpet with Ashutosh G.

Gym Capers: Way to stronger teeth

Nowadays, I feel like Salman Khan. Not that I immensely worried about upcoming Chinkara trial dates or whether Katrina Kaif is having eyes for Ranbir. I am going to the gym regularly and fulfilled my dream of doing bench presses. This is definitely the year when all of my dreams might come true, which is making me a worried man. I am worried about spending money on new clothes for my evening out with Deepika Padukone. I am also worried that I might kill somebody due to all the weight training I am doing.

a. The real gym addicts would die of laughter when they see the weight which I put on the bar for the bench press (It is thin air, if you want to know). Atmospheric pressure is not light.
b. Or, I might drop the bar on the lady doing leg lifts nearby
c. Or, the leg lift lady would kill me or the gym instructor 
Lady after doing 15 leg lifts: “Aur kitna karna hain” (How much more to do). 
Gym Instructor in a loud voice: “Madam, Aur 3 round karo, Thighs kam karna hain na” (Madam, Do 3 more rounds, you want to reduce your thighs right). As you might be aware it is dangerous to stare at the thighs (thinning or otherwise). 

Gym also helps you to become good at Math. Not only you learn to count calories you intake but also the one you spend. Many of you must have noticed the “not only – but also” combination. Thanks to Wren and Martin, this is the one of the five grammar rules I know and use regularly. I was always enamored by the Wren and Martin. It was the first fat academic book I started reading. It never failed to impress my parents. I spent most of my time reading the comprehension stories at the end of the book and guys writing complaint letters. 

I have figured out that making coffee consumes the most amount of calories. It beats doing laundry, putting clothes to dry, dusting, etc. This is because I make the coffee. My favorite come back that you do not help around the house has been to mop the sweat of the forehead and remark “But, I make coffee”. 

I have already started day dreaming of doing celebrity endorsements once I complete 300 days of going to the gym. The issue is that only the following companies come to the apartment for advertising; Kaya skin clinic, Mimo (For mothers and mothers to be), Manipal Dental clinic and Strawberry clothes. 

I cannot do Kaya Skin Clinic because it is sure that the only skin which has a visible glow is my thinning scalp. Radhika will definitely put multiple bolts on the door after pushing me out, for endorsing Mimo. Imagine pointing to a pregnant lady and saying “Try mimo, it worked”. I once bought a phone which was strawberry red in color and quickly got multiple propositions from guys with bulging biceps. I quickly decided strawberries do not agree with me as I do not want to feel like Boy George in a prison.

Of all the avenues available, I will do the Manipal because it would match with my post gym personality. My teeth would be infinitely stronger after 300 days of crunching them while trying to lift the gym mats. It is definitely in me to look confidently in to the camera and say –
We will make your tooth brighter and you wallet 250 rupees lighter
If you suffer from after-effects of seeing thinning thighs, do not despair
We will reset your jaw, without a flaw

If the above does not rhyme well, bring on the Wren and Martin. I am sure to lift it fifteen times at a go once I complete my resolution.

My Life List

I have a life list because Readers Digest says so. I believe in the written word except for the India Today Survey which says that 30% of the women who cheat, do it with their neighbors. Either the survey is wrong or I have been living in the wrong neighborhood all my life time. These are the mentionable things which I would like to accomplish in my life time.

1. Run a Marathon: My feeing about running swings between great passion and boredom. I have run two half marathons and the longest I have run is 30 KM. However I would like to run one full which is 42 plus K to see how it feels. It will also allow me to write an embellished account.

2. Write a book: When I met Radhika, I told her that I am going to write a book one day. She believed and married me. I have not done any thing except decide the title. Technically it could have been breach of contract but she chose to stay with me any way. Seeing no hope of any situational change, I have decided to go ahead with my writing. The only problem is that I want to do it the other way round. I would like to go on a world tour on book promotion, give cerebral lectures and participate in book signing before even I write the book. I also promise not to think about the money I would earn till I complete the book.

If you know of any publishers who are agreeable to my plan, you know where to find me.

3. Make my bed: I would like to make the bed in such a way that Radhika cannot find fault at all. In fact, I would like to get an Oscar for bed making from my wife. I am not talking about life time achievement but once would do. I am a realistic person you see. Countless mornings, I would have spent more than 4 hours making the bed and call Radhika for inspection. She would walk in and show me 63 wrinkles I have forgotten to smoothen out, the pillow cushions which is at the wrong angles. To my amateur bed setter eyes, the pillows would look perfect in their setting till I figures that the wrong angle is with respect to Pyramids. She would also point to the TV remotes, which I swear would have been put away from me. I think they develop wings and fly back in to the bed. I do not blame them, I feel like to doing it most of the times.

If you want to know the unmentionable life list, you can meet up with me. If you belong to the male species then you need to bring a beer. If you are a female, just come.